My unconventional wedding

 

Our wedding was nothing magical like I dreamt it would be. You know, that kind of wedding where everything is all fairy tale like, everyone excited for it (well, I don’t think any wedding can be like that, but such was my wish). It was an unconventional wedding and it took a lot of effort and help from everyone.

The “normal” is so normal in us that anything diverse from that is a bizarre concept. When I felt like spending my entire life with a man who is not from our caste, floods of emotions started hitting me. Is it worth it? Should I hurt my parents? Will I be so unhappy if I go for someone from my caste? My dad Mom can find a good person for me. My parents don’t deserve this, they will be hurt. After all they did everything for their children, right? Why am I such a bad person to not think about all their troubles? Why go through all the trouble when I can give all the happiness to them by marrying someone from my caste? Why am I so selfish.

The state was excruciating mentally. Then I tried seeing from my parents and relative’s perspective. It would be devastating for them because… because… because? They would be ashamed to talk about me in their social gathering? Like the kind of talk that will whisper “ tapaiko falana ta tallo jaat ma gaie re”. Well, that won’t be it, they might be boycotted by society. Then I thought, who is this society? Turns out it’s the same parents and relatives. That idea didn’t get me anywhere, so I tried to figure out why is it that they feel the shame or try to boycott from?

We are brahmins (or should I say I was), long long time back we used to read and perform different kind of rituals for others. We were considered intellects of society because all we did was read for our livelihood and eventually transferred the knowledge with books but mostly with the way we lived to the next generation. It was easier to transfer the knowledge if everyone shared the same value and routine. Hence it was convenient to go on performing rituals (our career) if we got married to someone from the same caste, the brahmins. In this scenario getting someone from different caste in the family and teaching them our way of living would have been a challenging thing to do. So, may be that is why we settled for marrying same caste people.

The interesting turn of event starts happening when we start attaching our identity with something. We started attaching our identity and existence with our caste. Once which was a convenience, gradually became our identity. When number of people start believing the same values and identity, we are now one organism. As Robert A. Hienlein says when anything causes an organism a discomfort or a threat to hurt, it will take measure to eliminate or resist to that cause of disturbance. This is true of almost anything we attach our identity with. In my case it was caste. The idea of getting married to someone from different caste (also to” lower caste”) challenged our identity as brahmins. Then it started making more sense to me, why I was feeling the guilt to hurt my parents, why my parents were afraid to face their relatives, and why my relatives (some) were dead against the idea. Because we all are trying to protect our identity.

I choose to adapt to the change rather than resisting the change. I accepted that even though it will hurt my parents (and me because I have to live through the guilt of making them unhappy) I cannot not marry this man just because he is from different caste. I think it is inhumane to do so. The change came to me and my family differently. But eventually we are on the same page and my parents decided to give me away to the very same man. I am incredibly happy and proud on their action. They are my hero.

Now I look back and see how different it was/is to accept the change. Change terrifies me. I see young people these days trying different things in life, taking opportunities, learning from different resources, diffusing with different culture and values which makes them a better person than I am. It gets me anxious. I am terrified and vulnerable thinking I should be doing more with my time/life, but I am not. I am in this stage of life where I want boring and secure present/future. As much as I am terrified by young people these days, they also inspire me. May be with time I will also be resisting change or avoid it but I want to be reminded that change will be there for good or bad, whether I will like it or not.

I feel incredibly happy and fulfilled to have been married to a man who inspires me to see the change and be a change (however small it is ).

I want to thank all the people who made this change easy on us. His family is an extraordinary family who stand on human faith for good. I believe world would be a better place if more families were like his family (now my family ☺)